December 5, 2005 7:30 p.m. I am making a very deliberate, though unfortunate choice after living with severe depression for almost thirty years. I am calm as I write this, because I am now 100% resolved to bring my life to an end. I wish with all my heart that I believed that I could recover fully and lead a normal life, but I do not and I am no longer willing to live through the hell my mind creates for me day after day. Many people will be shocked because I have mastered the ability to live a double life—to behave "normally" even when I am in psychic agony. I wish I could have prepared you in some way. My deepest regret goes to my best friend, Sue and to my family. You have supported me so wholeheartedly and for so long. If I could see some way to gain even reasonable relief from my suffering and prevent the pain of grief I cause you, I would take that path. I cannot. I wish, though it may be too much to ask, that you will find a way to celebrate and remember my life at least as much as you mourn my death. All lives come to an end—it is just that mine is so untimely and unfortunate. Live fully. Love each other. Take whatever risks will deepen your love and your experience of life. Goodbye and Farewell, Agnes.

Agnes Jeanette Vandergang was born in Simcoe, Ontario in 1958, the younger daughter of Catherine and William Vandergang who had immigrated to Canada from Holland in 1953. She was raised in Etobicoke in a busy house with a large backyard on Dundas Street near Islington. The family was and continue to be, active loyal members of the Christian Reform church and it was in this community that Agnes was raised. Agnes’ mother remembers holidays at the beach when Agnes was a little girl, how Agnes enjoyed the water and sand, the beauty of nature. It seems even as a young girl her attraction to bright colours and her artistic leanings were evident. Her older sister, Anita recalls that Agnes chose lime green as the colour for her bedroom walls. Agnes’ mother also remembers Agnes was a help to others, particularly a girl in high school who was having a difficult time.

Agnes attended Christian schools in Rexdale and Woodbridge, and received her BA from Covenant College in Tennessee. Later on she received her Master of Education at OISE here in Toronto in counseling. She began her career in the mental health field by first working with consumer/survivors of the mental health system for the Community Resource Consultants of Toronto. She produced handbooks and pamphlets on mental health issues in the workplace for both employers and employees. Most recently she worked as a Client Care Counselor for the Employee Assistance Program at FGI where she spoke by telephone to individuals in need. She was analytical by nature and had a gift for clarity, which tempered with kindness made her an invaluable counselor.

In addition to her career, she was an avid gardener, an excellent photographer, jewelry maker and general craft maker of many things such as wireart, cement art mosaics, papercraft, collage. She had many beautiful things in her house as well as a large collection of roosters.

In 1989 Agnes found our congregation and became a Unitarian. She was an active member here, well known and well loved by many. I want Agnes’ family to know how very much we appreciated Agnes’ contribution to this congregation. I’m sure it was a disappointment to you when she left her childhood faith but I want you to know that our congregation gained a great gift when she walked in that door in 1989 and we thank you. She was happy here. When well, she was a bright (almost glittery) being with colourful clothes, dangly earrings which she made herself, a funky stylishness that was all her own. She was very energetic and full of life. Who can forget her loud bark of a laugh when something struck her as funny—and things often did strike her as funny. Many of us remember the large, highly successful auction two years ago that Agnes spearheaded. (It raised $18,000 for our church, double what was expected.)

Agnes used to say she felt "friendship is vastly under-rated". Being single, she felt a need for close friends with whom to share her life. In our congregation she met her best friend, Sue Berlove. The two of them together with Mairy Beam forged a strong threesome. They went on vacations together for many years, celebrated holidays and birthdays together and did a lot of crafts. Open honest communication was their watchword. Sue says she was truly blessed by her close-knit friendship with Agnes although they were very different in style and personality.

And yet, this information does not really get into the heart of the paradox that was Agnes’ life. At age nineteen she suffered her first clinical depression and experienced recurrences of this disease at semi-regular intervals over the next twenty years. It was because of her own experience that she became such a tireless advocate in the mental health field. She appeared on television panels as well as writing articles and pamphlets. In addition she was a board member at the Mood Disorders Association and an interim staff member. For ten years recently she was without depression and she planned a celebration of "ten years free". However, by the time the date rolled around, she had entered this final devastating episode. For fourteen months she suffered. After various treatments and six weeks in Mt. Sinai hospital, she went into private care at the Homewood clinic in Guelph. She had different medications, received psychiatric help, electro shock treatment. She had loving help from Sue and other friends and family who wished so much they could take away her pain. However, considering her previous history with depression and these fourteen months of psychic agony, she came to the conclusion she could take no more.

Ironically she was seeming more animated and taking more interest in life in recent weeks. She was discharged from Homewood and had returned to work. She was reaching out to members of the congregation and joining in more activities: playing badminton, singing in the choir, making jewelry, starting to laugh again. It seems doubly cruel that she should take her life at this point. However, it is known that people who commit suicide because of depression are often reported as seeming "better" or more alive just before the death. When you think about it, during the depths of the disease, they haven’t the strength or focus to actually do it, though they may think of it often. It is when they begin to feel more involved with life that they are able to put a plan into action.

We have chosen to bring this out in the open at this memorial, as it seems that suicide is the epidemic no one dares to mention. Agnes herself felt very strongly that suicide shouldn’t be covered up or considered a stigma and so we have chosen to print her final note to us and to say unequivocally that her death was a suicide. It wasn’t an accident and yet in the end, Agnes chose a gentle way to go, drifting off to sleep in her car in an industrial parking lot and allowing carbon monoxide to do the job. She was not violent to herself. She died peacefully and we can all say she is at peace at last.

You may be reassured to know that Sue received an unusual phone call from the first police officer at the scene. He said he had a strange experience as the attendants placed Agnes’ body in the ambulance. The scene seemed very peaceful and magnified somehow and he noticed on the wires above the parking lot, five doves that seemed to be watching over the scene. As the ambulance pulled away, the five doves flew off into the sky and he said he felt something spiritually lifting at that moment. He said he’d seen a lot of deaths but this had never happened to him before. And somehow I wanted you all to know that story, take it as you will.

Rest in Peace Agnes, you will be greatly missed.

Delivered at the Memorial Service, Dec. 12, 2005

Agnes at First Unitarian a Remembrance by Catherine Schuler

When did I first meet Agnes? I can’t recall – I do remember early in my time in this congregation the shock of hearing her laugh as it rose loud and strong above the polite Toronto titters of our congregation.  Agnes was appreciating one of Mark Morrison-Reed’s sermons as only she could, with exuberance.  Later I noticed the clothes – Agnes had her own style. She loved dressing in strong, bold colours – lime greens, fuchsia, and turquoise, black and white checks with earrings to match. While I enjoyed the brightness she brought to a dull Sunday, it still took a while for me to get past the laugh and the clothes and to learn to appreciate all that Agnes was and all that she gave to this community.

Agnes owned this place. She said so herself from this very pulpit,   five years ago. She was careful to explain that it didn’t mean that she would cover the mortgage herself. She said “I’m talking about belonging – I am an integral part of this community and it (and that means you) are a part of me.   This is my home. You are my family. “

Agnes was an exemplary member of this family, her Unitarian religious congregation. She sang in the choir, helped to set policy as a member of the Board of  Trustees, led adult programs, taught religious education to our children, organized fundraisers with flare and enthusiasm, visited newcomers to welcome them, and  worked on that most dreaded exercise - the Annual Canvass. She joined in everything she did with positive energy – whether pouring coffee, planting perennials in the Secret Garden, showing her photographs on these walls, teaching the Women’s Group to make beaded jewelry for a fundraiser, creating her own block for the quilt that’s now on the wall just up the stairs, or dancing joyfully into the wee hours in this very space.  We all knew that if there was a job to be done, or a celebration to be had, Agnes would take it on, and not only put her own heart into it, but would draw others to give generously, imaginatively  and happily of themselves.

It was here that Agnes formed the ”rich and enduring” friendships with Sue and Mairy and others which were sources of joy and support throughout the rest of her life. It was here that she shared her pain with ministers and with friends, and struggled through that pain.  It was here that Agnes found strength to keep going.

Our sadness at losing her is very great, but I believe that these walls and this congregation will carry our best memories of Agnes in everything we do together, that some of us will laugh more loudly from time to time, that some of us will dress more brightly, that we will welcome newcomers with kindness and that all of us will use our creativity and energy and give of ourselves more generously because Agnes has been part of our family.

Five years ago Agnes said of her life at First Unitarian “I now experience the most joyful imperative to share my abundance”. That she most certainly did.

A Note from Agnes' Family